Shanel (stargarbage) wrote,

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in the land of women.

hmm. writing.

so, my life has been nothing short of busy. and hectic. but that's nothing new.

my job, although progressing, doesn't make me particularly happy. it's stressful. and sometimes, i really hate dealing with people. sometimes it's fun, and i have good days, usually when it's busy and i have a lot to do. but most of the time i don't want to be there, and by the time i leave i'm in a mood. i've been way too lazy to seek employment elsewhere, and i get paid pretty well, and we need the money. so i'm just sucking it up.

my fiance is re-enlisting in the army the beginning of next year. we're planning on getting married before then, so probably by the end of this year. and i'm freaking a little. there have been certain situations that have arisen as of late that's giving me doubts. and, well, i'm not 100% sure i'm ready. but i do love him, and plan on being with him for the rest of my life. i just don't want to get my heart broken, or end up looking like an idiot. and there are a lot of reasons i shouldn't be with him. but i've never been one to follow the logical i'm sucking it up in that department too.

i don't go out much. it's pretty much work, and sleep, and getting fucked up on occasion. i went on a serious cocaine binge for a while, but i think i'm okay now. i'm not unhappy. i just feel stuck a lot of the time, and it's a little depressing. i'm not sure how to change that, mostly because i have no real desire towards anything. i'm just floating right now, and i'm very unsure of how the future is going to turn out. which is unnerving. i don't have a lot of friends, which is fine, but it makes it hard to have someone to talk to. and a lot of the time i don't feel i can talk to my fiance, which is one of our problems. so i bottle a lot of stuff up in the vain attempt to deal with it myself, and it's really overwhelming sometimes. hence the coke binge. but...i don't know. i'm not sure how i'm feeling in general - once again, i'm not unhappy. but i'm not happy either. i don't really feel anything...i'm just...tired, i guess. it's not a serious problem by any means, it is what it is. but it could be a lot worse.

but, logically, my life is pretty good right now. so i try to be grateful for that, and just keep pushing forward.
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